Bachelorette Recap, Tayshia, Ep. 7: I'm Not Here to Breastfeed

Music-writing dates are the worst, but even when this episode kicks off with the boys busting out uncomfortable white boy raps while accompanying themselves on accordions and bongos, I am settling in nicely because Tayshia is still a ray of beautiful sunshine who can make even the worst dates wonderful.

I do want to tell Bennett that he comes off just a hair racist when he talks about spitting flow at “retreats,” because I feel like “retreats” are among the whitest, least hip-hoppy events on the planet. This coming from a girl who goes on yearly retreats with her friends from college who were in an all female collegiate a cappella group. Needless to say, we do not “spit flow,” unless we’re singing the bridge of “If You Wanna Be My Lover” during our Spice Girls medley.

Ivan wins the sing-off because he pulled her up onto the “stage” with him, and turns out I want all these guys to be like Sister Wives. But Brother Husbands. Because they all need to marry Tayshia. How does she have so much chemistry and cuteness with SO MANY of the guys?? I truly feel like I’m watching a show about people falling in love, which can’t be said for this franchise since back on Ben Higgins’ season. (Lack of happy ending aside.)

Noah tells the camera all the reasons Tayshia would never be into Ivan. “He’s so sophisticated and nice! She’d never be into it.”

Face palm.

Ivan and Tayshia play a little game of the floor is lava to get from her couch to the bedroom and it’s a bit of a stretch for organized fun but helicopter rides and wineries are out this season, so couch pillows on the floor will have to do!

I noticed the clock says 11:22, which seems to be p.m., and I am absolutely shocked at how late these people stay up.

They proceed to play a game of Twister, followed by eating a rapidly-melting oversized ice cream Sunday that is flavored Bacteria Swirl. Or so I assume.

Once they get through all of the weird entertainment segments a tired producers haphazardly arranged, Tayshia and Ivan spend the rest of the night drinking wine by the fire and having REAL conversation! It’s incredible! They talk about their experiences as biracial black people, particularly in the wake of the Black Lives Matter movement, and Tayshia’s emotional inability to formulate words as to why it all is so overwhelming to her is a difficult but necessary display of the importance for reformation in this country. She explains that she spent her whole life in Orange County as one of the only minorities trying to prove that she’s “like everyone else,” so for there even to be a slogan proclaiming that Black Lives Matter suddenly gives her the permission to matter exactly as she is. I have shivers and am grateful that this conversation is on our televisions.

Ivan also opens up about his family and his own experiences...all in all, it’s a refreshing, real date that helps us understand how it might be possible for two people to get engaged after only dating for a few weeks.

I mean, I definitely know it’s possible because that was my story except not on national television.

After an earnest night with Ivan, it’s time to make some dudes give their best fake orgasm into a loudspeaker and chug some cow intestines!

The group date the next day involves former Bachelorette Becca and former contestant/Tayshia BFF Sydney “overseeing” a day of challenges, where the guys are in teams of 2 and must run around the resort doing things like asking Chris Harrison to sign their butt.

You guys I’m not making this up.

Chris Harrison must be getting paid triple this season, for real. This is what he’s doing when the guys find him for their request:

Honestly, I laughed out loud in the literal ways when the guys not on the group date were lounging around and suddenly heard their friends blaring orgasm sounds all across the resort loudspeakers. Eazy remains my favorite commentator of the season when Blake starts doing his weird moaning into the microphone. Eazy goes “Blake needs to go to CHURCH godDOG!” and I’m dying on the couch laughing while Aaron looks at me from the kitchen wondering why I’m cackling loud enough to wake up our sleeping children. He sees my sloshing wine and makes the wise choice to not say anything.

At the end of the date, each guy is instructed to eat a habanero pepper, then immediately get down on one knee and “propose” to Tayshia while their mouth is on fire. A few of the guys struggle, but the rest just sweat a little and earnestly propose because honestly, Tayshia is the catch of the century and each of them would truly marry her this instant if given the chance. I’m telling you: Brother Husbands.

Maybe I’ve been watching too many holiday movies on Netflix, but I’m convinced Bennett is just a prince from Aldovia who is doing a social experiment in America. His proposal only furthered my suspicions because it was shockingly romantic and gave Tayshia allllll the feels.

The night portion of the date involves Tayshia channeling I Dream of Jeannie (do you kids remember that show?) with her high pony and flowey pants over her blue satin one piece. I guess it’s a pool-themed cocktail party! Each guy chats with Tayshia beside or in a different body of water. Bennett opens up about having been engaged before and makes a bunch of faces like he’s about to puke as he’s talking, but then I realize that’s just what he looks like when he’s being vulnerable and I feel bad for judging him. He and Tayshia seem to have real chemistry, which I didn’t exactly see coming, but again...Brother Husbands. They all need to end up with her! I don’t even know how this is happening!

Zac C and Tayshia get steamy in the hot tub and definitely have the most natural chemistry besides her and Brendan, so he gets the group date rose and Bennett makes a sad face.

Producers were bored AF and that night decided to have two guys go “surprise” Tayshia in her room. The first was Ben, who Tayshia admonished on the last group date for not carving out time to talk to her. The second was Ed, the goofball who had to carry Carlos the Baby around last episode and finds nothing more fun than pushing people’s buttons, especially Chasen’s.

Just when we think both guys are going to bump into each other and knock on Tayshia’s door at the same time, Ed knocks, and Chris Harrison opens the door!

Ed apparently “got lost” trying to find Tayshia’s room (i.e. a producer led him to the wrong villa) and so Chris Harrison invites him in for a glass of wine. It’s hilarious. What is happening. They awkwardly drink a glass of red wine together while Ed somehow critiques Chris for not knocking on the group villa door before coming in to announce dates. He just barges right in! Chris look so amused and Ed looks so dumb. It’s wonderful.

Ben gets his chance to talk to Tayshia in private, and she forgives him for being too gentlemanly on the group date, therefore not stepping up enough to make sure he got time to talk to her. Tayshia likes Ben and I stand by the prediction that he makes it to hometowns. If they’re doing hometowns. My money is still on Ben, Brendan, Zac C, and Noah with Eazy potentially replacing Noah or Ben.

The rose ceremony is a mess because baby child Noah decides to tell Tayshia that the guys are talking crap about her decision-making skills since she gave Noah a rose on the group date (from last episode...wow, why is that seven years ago). Now, this is completely untrue. The guys have told Noah that he’s a douche and Tayshia won’t end up with him, but they’ve never judged Tayshia’s judgment or character.

Of course Tayshia is pissed because she believes Noah’s lie that all the other guys are talking smack, so she cancels the rest of the cocktail party. I want to shake Noah. Bennett nailed it when he said it’s like trying to have a conversation with a 14-year-old boy. Noah just has that annoying middle school energy that makes you want to slap him.

Bennett also says to the camera, “I’m here for love, not to breastfeed Noah” and I literally spit out my wine. I thought his line “I’m not on The Babysitter, I’m on The Bachelorette” was pretty good, but then he took it a step further with the breastfeeding and I’m not sure if I’m offended or impressed.

Tayshia doesn’t even give an opening speech before handing out roses. She just gives the guys a death stare and gets right down to business. Roses go to:

Ben

Eazy

Riley

Brendan

Bennett

Blake

Demar

Spencer

Ed

(Noah, Zac C, and Ivan already have roses)

Going home:

Chasen

Joe

Jordan

Kenny

Not Joe!! Whyyyyyy. So sad.

Wowowowow we get a champagne cheers to end the episode after a rose ceremony, just like I longed for in my last recap! Feels good. Feels right.