Bachelorette Recap, Hannah, Ep. 8: English vs American

I betcha thought I was going to leave you hanging this week. Not so fast! Just because I put off writing about the most annoying season in Bachelorette history doesn’t mean that I’m bailing completely.

For the record, this season started as one of my absolute favorites. Now I just get flashbacks to my early-twenties self, who always dragged out relationships that were absolutely awful just because I didn’t have the self-awareness or strength to call it quits. Major PTSD watching Hannah do the same thing.

I was about to say hindsight is 20/20…can we all agree that on January 1, 2021, everyone is going to think it’s sooooo funny to say “hindsight is 2020”? CALLED IT HERE FIRST FOLKS.

I’m still procrastinating, can you tell?

Hannah and the boys are in the Netherlands, where tulips and drama grow in spades.

The first one on one goes to Jed, which sends Connor into a spiral of sadness. His one on one got all messed up a million weeks ago when Hannah got sick. Next week is hometowns and he still doesn’t know her middle name. Poor Connor.

Once Hannah and Jed are busy skipping while holding hands and playing in a candy store because that’s how annoying this season has become, Tyler takes the opportunity to remind Luke to nip the drama in the butt this week. How long until the world recognizes that it’s “bud” not “butt”?

It’s okay Tyler, at least you’re not Jed, who tells a local Dutch couple that he and Hannah are “English.” Hannah gently corrects him…we’re actually AMERICAN.

Happy Fourth of July, everyone!

I once broke up with a guy because he spelled sophomore “softmore,” so Hannah’s patience definitely outweighs my own.

That night, Hannah wears her most patriotic red pant suit (with no shirt underneath, duh) to remind Jed of their homeland, and they enjoy a very telling dinner. Hannah confesses to Jed that she’s falling in love with him—the most she’s shared with any of the guys, including the Lukeness Monster himself. Jed is pulling ahead! (That rhymes.)

Jed tells her that his heart just fell through the earth, and for a brief moment, I forget that he has a girlfriend back at home.

The second one-on-one goes to Not Connor, as well. Tyler, you’re up!

Wearing the exact same pair of cuffed skinny jeans, Tyler and Hannah meet in a town square to go horseback riding on the most beautiful black beauties I’ve ever seen. Sadly, Tyler and Hannah have no clue how to ride horses (I thought you were from the South??), so most of the date consists of them spinning in circles and awkwardly attempting to eat ice cream while also holding the reins.

At one point, Tyler feeds Hannah a full fish, and she bites the head off like it’s nothing. Hannah has three personalities: 1) Hannah Beast who bites a fish in half. 2) Hannah B who is hilarious and relatable. 3) Hannah Be Stressing Me Out, who won’t send Luke home because she thinks he’s The One.

That night in his most royal velvet and satin, deep purple floral blazer, Tyler opens up about his parents’ divorce. Hannah tells him that her parents are still together, but she doesn’t want to have a marriage like they do. DANG GIRL. Pretty harsh to say on national TV. I hope that her dad gets revenge by cutting her hair into a bob the next time she goes in for a trim.

Tyler gets the rose because she knows he’s the best catch on the show, and they makeout in a horse and carriage ride.

Mike gets the third one-on-one because he’s not Connor.

The night before Mike’s date, Connor decides to make a little one-on-one of his own. His producer convinced him this was a good idea, knowing Hannah would send him home in order for the final group date to lend itself to a 2-on-1 between Garrett and Luke. VERY CRAFTY.

Connor tells Hannah he wants to spend this time with her getting to know eachother a bit better before the big decision on Hometowns. She disagrees. She wants to spend this time sleeping, so she sends Connor on his way. He’s 24 and going on Bachelor in Paradise, so I do not feel bad for him.

It’s time to Bike with Mike! Hannah wears her favorite combo—pink on pink—and takes Mike on a bike ride through Amsterdam. They end up at an art studio, where an artist paints them wearing silk scarves over their underwear.

Poor Mike. The horrible date idea is the least of his problems.

Hannah clearly sees him as her bff. She doesn’t even let him sit down for dinner before she starts crying and telling him that he’s the greatest guy ever, but she’s not his fourth Queen (after his mom, grandma, and sister). She claims this wave of emotion was brought on by a particularly inspiring painting she saw in their castle-turned-restaurant, but I just think she’s really tired and hungry by this point in the season and has lost all control.

Mike’s suitcase gets rolled away back at the hotel just as Tyler is making fun of Luke for being a 5’8’’ villain. Proof that even nice guys like Tyler always have a chip on their shoulder about height. But Luke deserved the dig so I’m not mad at it.

Peter, Luke, and Garrett head off for their 3-on-1. Hannah is wearing a black floral pencil skirt that looks like something a middle aged restaurant manager would wear on a busy Saturday night.

Luke immediately steals Hannah away in order to throw Jed, Tyler, AND Garrett under the bus. Instead of seeing the giant red flag slapping her over and over in the face, Hannah wonders outloud “Why can’t the guys be kind to you?”

This is why I have a problem watching this season, folks.

Hannah asks Garrett if he was bullying Luke. Garrett tells her he’s tired of this being the Luke P show. She looks super offended. Oh lord, girl.

While Garrett is talking, we keep getting shots of Luke back in the waiting area sniffing pieces of salami before slowly eating them like he’s Chad. But he’s not Chad. It’s a try hard villain move.

Garrett and Luke then have a showdown while Hannah is with Peter. It’s just weird. Garrett makes double pistol pointy fingers at Luke and says OH I KNOW YOU, smiling and being 100% creepy to purposefully freak Luke out. Luke eventually stands up and screams in Garrett’s face. At this point, both of them look like losers and can both go home.

Peter’s annoyed with the whole thing. He has a normal conversation with Hannah, gets the group date rose, and heads on back to the hotel to hang with his boys Tyler and Jed.

Obviously it’s time for some 2-on-1 action between Garrett and Luke. Luke is so mad at this point that he starts licking his lips, and Garrett asks if he’s licking his lips because he’s attracted to him. Oh Garrett.

Hannah keeps Luke and kicks off Garrett because, remember, she thinks she’s in love with Luke. Completely predictable and boring and annoying and maddening.

The teaser for next week is SPECIAL! Hannah tells Luke she had sex in a windmill…TWICE! Was she talking about a Fantasy Suite date? Or just a good time one night in college? We’ll find out tomorrow! #bless