Book Review: Modern Romance, by Aziz Ansari
I’ve been out of the dating scene for a solid 1 year, 1 month, and 7 days. But who’s counting?
Sorry, I can’t help but watch those days drift behind me with absolute pleasure.
I was so scarred by my time in the dating scene that I’m still obsessed with it, even though I’m out of it. I’m absolutely fascinated by how modern relationships begin and end, and how strikingly different the contemporary dating world is from decades and centuries past. I still analyze the crap out of text messages that my single friends receive from guys they’re “talking” to. I still ask a million questions about the workings of Tinder, since I only dabbled in OkCupid and never got fully sucked into the blackhole of online dating. I still wonder why certain people broke up with or ghosted me, even though I’m obviously super glad they did because my husband is a freak of nature (in a good way). I definitely won at life by getting to marry him, which means I’m stoked those other dudes jumped ship. #bye And yet, I continue to try and make sense of all the heartbreak.
I simply love love, love relationships, and love understanding the psychology behind any and all things romance. If you share my passion, and sometimes aggressive frustration with how and why people meet, date, get together, and breakup, you will LOVE Aziz’ book.
Oh, that’s right! I’m doing a book review! And here you thought I was just going to rant about my own life.
So, let’s talk about Aziz. (Uh-zeez)
He’s a renowned comedian of Indian descent who often talks about the perils of dating during his stand-up routines. He also has his own show called Master of None that I probably need to watch. To write this book, he worked with a sociologist to conduct studies and acquire tons of first-hand accounts about the modern dating scene. For a year, he traveled across the world interviewing young adults, partnering with behavioral analysts, and compiling studies to provide support for his theories and interesting facts that will make your head spin.
This book is very smart. It’s not about Aziz (though he does give a few personal anecdotes), and it’s not written with the goal of simply highlighting his comedic talent (though he’s very funny, duh). It’s 100% about how relationships have evolved in the last 60 years, trends in the modern dating pool, and tidbits of advice on how to handle it all.
I earmarked at least 20 pages that held information that blew my mind, or confirmed a belief I’ve already developed through my own experiences and observations. Pages with data backing up the theory of not texting someone back immediately (apparently games work, ugh) and the success rate of high-angled selfies for women on dating sights. (Seriously?) Pages with graphs about how people meet and screen shots from real text conversations that start strong and fizzle out.
Through all the facts and examples, three major themes stood out to me most. The book held many more lessons than three, and delved into many more ideals, but these resonated the strongest with me on a personal level. You’ll have to read the book to pick out which topics speak the most to you.
1. “Emerging Adulthood” is the best and worst thing to happen to the dating world
A mere 60 years ago, this concept of “finding yourself” in your 20s did not exist. You’ll be happy to know that “30 is the new 20” is actually a legitimate, historically accurate statement. A new stage in life formed over the last half a century, which sociologists have labeled “Emerging Adulthood.”
These days, women no longer need to get married to move out. They’re going to college. It’s acceptable to work and live on your own. Whatever you want to do, you can do it. This break away from traditional gender roles completely threw the dating scene on its head. Not only is marriage unnecessary for independence, it’s seen as the opposite of independence. And with that shift has come the desire to marry the perfect person, not just one that’s good enough to free you from curfew.
According to research in the book, the happiness level of people who do find that soulmate is extremely high, so we all take the risk of being single much longer in hopes that we one day achieve that optimum happiness. Patience for the best payout. However, many of us lose years and years of happiness along the way, bogged down by loneliness and fear for our futures, which argues that perhaps the payout of extreme satisfaction with a soulmate isn’t quite as rewarding as a practical relationship that grows its love over time.
The good news is that in taking longer to find our soulmates and basking in individuality, we do have a better idea of what we genuinely want by the time we settle down. We have more time to enjoy the things we want to explore, instead of what we’re “supposed” to explore. Our individual freedoms are amazing. But that’s not to say it’s been an entirely smooth transition when it comes to the dating scene.
2. The human brain defies any compatibility on paper
One third of couples who married between 2005-2012 met online. I would assume that percentage has continued to increase over the last four years. So yes, online dating works. However, as Aziz puts it, “online dating” should really be called “online introductions.” No amount of sifting through profiles or looking at pictures can successfully determine who you’ll actually like in person.
I’ve said this before, but if I’d seen my husband’s profile online before meeting him, I wouldn’t have given him a chance. People are far more complex than a profile can capture, so we fail to see all the little nuances of beliefs, character, goals, and perspectives. Chemistry happens in person.
The big lesson in Aziz’ book in terms of online dating was that you should never exchange messages more than 3-4 times before meeting in person. Developing a rapport online is very, very rarely a reflection of how you connect with that person face to face. If you drag it out, it’ll inevitably fade or be a let down.
3. Too many choices lead to unhappiness
When it comes to food, appliances, or men, you’re going to be significantly unhappy if you think there’s always more– always something better– out there. Studies show that if someone spends hours and hours choosing the perfect restaurant (a “maximizer”), they’ll be less satisfied with their meal than someone who spends a short amount of time figuring out where to eat (a “satisficer”– mix of satisfying and suffice). This is because the satisficers don’t care enough to continue wondering if something better is out there. They’re perfectly content with what they have.
I’m a total satisficer by nature. My husband, on the other hand, is a major maximizer. He researches absolutely every product or establishment, because he wants THE BEST. I’m like, meh, if it gets the job done, I’m cool with it. Being a maximizer has its benefits, like saving money or making a better choice…but it can easily lead to never feeling satisfied.
It’s hard not to be a maximizer in relationships these days, when almost every single person on the planet is available to us. Not only can we travel anywhere with ease, but we’re connected on the internet. If you have a bad first date, you’d rather go on another first date that might be better, instead of going on a second date with the same person to see if things improve. This tactic doesn’t allow connections to grow unless they’re immediate, and not all soulmates connect immediately.
Having a million options also leads to tons of issues with commitment, but I won’t get into it in detail. The list expands from giving up on a relationship too easily to cheating to becoming jaded over time from chasing an impossibly ideal person that doesn’t even exist in the first place. It’s kind of nice to have options so that you can find a person you’ll be happiest with, but it also kind of stinks.
THAT WAS A LOT. I know. I’m so sorry. But now you have a really, really good idea of what you’re getting yourself into if you choose to read this book. There are plenty of topics and lessons that I didn’t cover in this report/review, but remember, these were just the ones that stood out to me the most.
I can’t recommend Modern Romance highly enough. It’s informative, funny, creative, well-organized, thorough, and downright fascinating. You may have to stare at the graphs for awhile to truly let them sink in, or re-read sentences a few times to really grasp the magnitude of a finding, but I think those are actually signs of a really great book. One that forces you think, expands your worldview, and makes sense of things that are hard to understand in your personal life.
Whether you’re single, married, in a relationship, or a-sexual, go get yourself a copy. Thank me later.